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Chapter 2: Rebuilding and the Past

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Chapter 2-Rebuilding and the Past

Twenty long years have since the Great War with the Demons. Many aspects of the Archangel Kingdom had to be rebuilt. New roads had to be replaced, new buildings had to be reconstructed, and lives had to be pieced together after the devastation. Hundreds of lives were lost during that war, ranging from men to children. The Elder Council, or what was left of the Council, decided to lock the gateway to the Kingdom. Nobody could get out, and nobody would get in. Electing new officials to the Council, they decided to train the best Archangels to defend their Kingdom. The best of the best, the crème de la crème. The Council implemented a draft system only for the men. The women could not and would not fight because their main job was to nurture their children. Until one day, that law would change.

      On a farm inside the walls of the Kingdom, a blue haired woman was picking weeds from the garden full of necessary supplies. Rows of corn, potatoes, leeks, and tomatoes grew from this glorious garden. Plucking the last weed from the potatoes, she placed it aside in her compost basket precision. The woven basket was filled to the top with nothing but unwanted weeds. She took off her dirt covered gloves and wiped her forehead of sweat. Her bangs were soaked from her perspiration, showing her hard work will pay off. Moving some loose strands of hair from her face, she was able to see her garden free of unnecessary weeds. She picked up the basket and placed the weeds into a small pile of other compost like leaves and other biodegradable materials.
The back door opens and a woman appears to be looking outside to see what was going on, almost searching for something or someone. “Serena, the food is prepared! Come inside for dinner!” The older woman spoke to the young lady.
     
        “Yes, Mother. My presence will be soon!” Serena nodded to her elder and placed the basket inside a small wooden shed located in near the garden. Tomorrow would be the day of remembrance, the official twenty year mark. Twenty years since Serena was left without her mother, and her feelings bottled up for so long.  
       
        After that fateful day of the Great War, Serena was left homeless and orphaned. Her father never was around as a young baby and was deemed out of the picture. She was shipped off to an orphanage, until someone would adopt her as a daughter. She loathed that orphanage. Even though most of the children were there for the same reason, it was all the same politics. You had the popular kids, the brats, and even the outcasts. Serena, unfortunately, fell into the outcast category simply because of her hair color. Her mother had red hair, while her father had brown. One would think that she would have at least the same color of one parentage, but that was not the case.

       “You look like an alien!”

       “What did you do? Use your mother’s hair dye?”

       “Freak of nature! You are not from this land!”

       Those were the daily insults that she would have to endure. Left alone with no friends, she was truly on her own. Until one day, a woman who lost her child in the Great War was seeking some comfort---a companion, a child. A child not of replacement, but a child to love and to mend two broken hearts into one. This woman appeared to be in her late thirties, tall, and most of all compassionate of the human life.

      “I am sure that you will find a child here at the orphanage. All of these children are desperately wanting a family to belong to, umm—Ms.--” The caregiver of the orphanage began to show this woman around the two story building. The orphanage was in an old historical building, miraculously not crumbled to the ground from the war. The floors creaked, creating an echo inside the long halls almost announcing someone’s presence.

      “Markhaven—Ms. Agnes Markhaven. And yes, I am wanting a child who just simply wants to be loved. Poor small ones, their parents violently taken away from them during the devastation.” Agnes would continue to follow the caregiver, looking around at the décor.

       “Well Ms. Markhaven—“

       “Agnes, please call me Agnes. I don’t want you to think that I am an old lady.” Interrupting the caregiver was something that she did not want to do, but one thing about Agnes is that she hated to be sounding like she was old. She wanted to be young and youthful.

       “Agnes then---here are the children who wish to be adopted.” The caregiver opened up the wooden twin doors, leading to the outside where the children were happily playing outside except for Serena who was sadly on the swings alone.  Agnes meticulously looked around the makeshift playground, judging upon the children of who was worthy to have a home with her. She looked at a small boy about the age of ten, and shook her head. Agnes had a certain talent that she would not tell people, a power more or less. She had the power to look inside a person’s soul and could tell if they would grow up to be a good or bad person. In that small child, she could see nothing but a bad seed in him. She sadly passed him up and mentally said a prayer, hoping that the child would take the right path of life instead of the life she saw. The caregiver would walk with her, telling her the names of the children. It was then that Agnes noticed Serena on the swing set, alone with nobody to play with. Agnes used her power of future soul on Serena and smiled.

        “I want that child there on the swing set.” She pointed over to Serena, who was staring at the ground not paying any attention to them.

        “Oh, I don’t think that you want that child. She is nothing like the others, almost not of the Archangel species. She will not get along with the other children, full of nothingness. There are plenty of other children here.” It was apparent that the caregiver did not like Serena, or even wanted her to be adopted.

        “She will come with me, and that is my final decision. She is special, and I can tell.” Agnes walked over to the defenseless Serena, full of compassion.

        Serena picked up her head, her earthy green eyes made eye contact with Agnes’s soulful chocolate eyes. “Why don’t you choose another girl other than me? I am not worth it-“ Her red jeweled necklace moved from the center to the side of her chest.

        Agnes places her hand on Serena’s cheek and smiled, “Oh poor Serena, you are worth it. One of these days you will be showing all these other kids a lesson they will not forget, and that is not to judge others. You will be great, just you see.”

        The memory of being adopted by Agnes soon faded away, remembering that Serena was being summoned to the dinner table. She walked towards the back of the door of the small brick house, ready for dinner. As she walked towards the door, she noticed that a group of warriors was walking along the road. She rolled her eyes, figuring that they were practicing formations. She opened the door and was greeted by a mouth drooling smell. The smell of roast and potatoes filled her nostrils, making her realize how hungry she was.

        “Mmmm, this looks so good Mom.” She took her seat at the dinner table, ready for the feast.

        “Well, this savory roast has been cooking almost all day—so it better be good.” A small snicker escaped from Agnes and smiled. “I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but Almighty has given me the gift of cooking.” Agnes began to cut into the roast with ease until there was a knock on the front door. “Oh for Kingdom’s sake, really? Just as we were about to eat? This ought to be good.” She placed the knife on the table and went to the door. She opened the door, only to be stunned of what was on the other side.
So here it is! Chapter 2 of my short story! :la: In this chapter, we will learn what happened to that little girl at the end of the last chapter and where she is now. I hope you like it! :heart: If you have any critiques, let me know! :aww: 

Chapter 1--

Mature Content

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XenoSolii's avatar
:star::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty: Overall
:star::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty: Vision
:star::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty: Originality
:star::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty: Technique
:star::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty: Impact

Okay, so there'll be a number of issues here:

1) The entire first bit of description is needless. It doesn't apply to the passage at hand and the info would be better sprinkled throughout the text. For instance, the line "The orphanage was in an old historical building, miraculously not crumbled to the ground from the war" does a better job of implying the devastation of the war than a colorless block of text.

2) The transition between the "present" action - Serena in the garden - and the "past" action - her memories of the orphanage are not clear at all.

3) Along with the previous critique on unnecessary exposition, much of Serena's experience at the orphanage could be summed up fewer sentences or implied through dialogue. The line "“Oh, I don’t think that you want that child. She is nothing like the others, almost not of the Archangel species. She will not get along with the other children, full of nothingness. There are plenty of other children here.” It was apparent that the caregiver did not like Serena, or even wanted her to be adopted" basically already does this, negating two entire paragraphs of exposition.

4) The way you describe the adoption scene is from the POV of Agnes - describing things only Agnes should know and things she would have seen and experienced. However, the one remembering the scene is Serena, and so it should be depicted from her POV - only the things she saw and experienced.

5) Going back to the issue of the abrupt transition between the present action and the flashback, I'd cut the entire flashback sequence and either move it later, or, again, sprinkle it through dialogue. You're trying to establish the present right now and should focus on that - where Serena is and what type of person she is now.


Those are the big issues. There's also stylistic issues, but I'd need to do a line-by-line critique of that and, well, that'd just be tedious. One thing I would suggest is to spend time reading your work out loud - it does wonders for seeing how your sentences actually flow and for identifying parts of the text that are awkward and poorly worded.

Sorry it's not very positive, but right now you're very rough and need to spend a bit more time working on style. But keep at it, because practice makes perfect <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt=":)" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="391" title=":) (Smile)"/>